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Thứ Năm, 6 tháng 2, 2020

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.

“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.

“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”

The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there.

“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”

At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.

“Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric.

The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha a lot of weed

ROMNEY DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF

Sorry, just practicing.

Harry Potter erotica

I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there.

I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story.

Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd.

I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!

If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Oh Grandpa

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.

His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”