Vector quantitties
Thứ Sáu, 7 tháng 2, 2020
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.
The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money.
The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow.
He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed’s milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow.
After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning.
Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, “I think I know what’s wrong now, sir.”
“Well what is it?” asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David’s shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking.
David gestured behind him and said, “That’s a bull.”
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse"
First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"
"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his ass.
"The hell do you think you're doing!?" the man screams.
"You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his ass. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up his the man's ass too.
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"Again!?"
"You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie.
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!!
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times... So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
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