There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

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Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

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life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

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I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

I have a complex complex complex

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Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

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My buddy drowned the other day

I placed a life jacket in his coffin

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It's what he would've wanted

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