I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

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People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.

They haven’t done anything!

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I was named after my dad

Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

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I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time

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What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?

Very little

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A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

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"Because…He’s my newt.

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4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

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