Catholic parrots.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

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"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

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"What do they say?" the priest inquired..

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They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

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"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

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Then he thought for a moment. "You

know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.

"I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"

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"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

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The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison,

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

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There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

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"Mohammad," he replied.

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"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

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" Mohammad returned home after school.

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"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

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"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

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"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

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And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

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The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

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"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

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"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

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Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road

He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.

Fkn ambulances i swear..

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

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A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates

The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun.

The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer liked him and let him go.

The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” The farmer liked him and he let him go.

The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Chuck “ and the farmer shot him.

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