An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count...

The doctor gave him a sample pot and said:

"Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained:

"You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth - first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbour and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked:

"You asked your neighbour for help?!"

"Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."

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Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

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Masturbation is a touchy subject...

...whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.

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Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the cop asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”

Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.

“How old are you?” the cop inquired.

“I’m 22, Officer.”

“And the girl—how old is she?”

The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

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I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

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All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive.

Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"

The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".

The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."

Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.

The class remains quiet.

The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?

Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.

At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.

Eddy looks around and says:

Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!

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An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you.
America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

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