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Thứ Hai, 9 tháng 3, 2020

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.

As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him.

"Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man."

Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?"

In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please."

"Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..

What a bunch of sick fucks