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Thứ Hai, 6 tháng 4, 2020

A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?"

"Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today."

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee."

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball
and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile?

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

What's the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.