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Thứ Bảy, 11 tháng 4, 2020

Trump & Obama are in a barber shop...

Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word.

Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!”

Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”

God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?"

Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina."

"Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.

After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain.

The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.

If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.

"Fair enough," says the man.

"Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."

The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.

"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more."

The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test.

Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.

The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.

He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches.

He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.

At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?"

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers."

The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

Thứ Sáu, 10 tháng 4, 2020

Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart