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Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 4, 2020

The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.

"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."

The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously embarrassed. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

- I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad

  • Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
  • No, he also wished he were.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Frankly, your service provider.

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 4, 2020

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."