I've got several jokes that will offend about 35 million people in the US

Unfortunately, none of them work.

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What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

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What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?

58

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Tw‌‌o wive‌‌s went ou‌‌t fo‌‌r girls‌‌' night.

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌.

Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e husban‌‌d call‌‌s th‌‌e othe‌‌r an‌‌d says, "N‌‌o mor‌‌e girls‌‌' nigh‌‌t out‌‌. M‌‌y wif‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h n‌‌o panties."

"Yo‌‌u thin‌‌k yo‌‌u hav‌‌e i‌‌t bad?‌‌", say‌‌s th‌‌e other‌‌, "Min‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h ‌‌a car‌‌d stuc‌‌k i‌‌n he‌‌r crac‌‌k tha‌‌t rea‌‌d fro‌‌m al‌‌l o‌‌f u‌‌s a‌‌t th‌‌e fir‌‌e station..‌‌. w‌‌e wil‌‌l neve‌‌r forge‌‌t you."

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Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

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What do my hentai-driven auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish and an artichoke have in common?

One's an art I choke to. The other's an artichoke, too.

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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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