Dad, how many types of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?", the son asks.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.

Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

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At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”

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Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

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It was the final of the national poetry competition

There were two finalists - one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West.

They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu.

Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild - amazing for 20 seconds.

Then it's the country bumpkin's turn:

"Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."

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I'm truly shocked that Trump refuses to put up Obama's portrait.

Never though he would pass up the opportunity to hang a black man.

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