I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "Fuck Me!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

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An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:

Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?

Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?

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Why do Irishmen never move from Canada back to Ireland?

Because they saw the advertisement "Drink Canada Dry," and they've been trying ever since.

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Doctor: You're going to have to stop masturbating.

Me: Why?

Doctor: Because it's distracting.

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What's the difference between COVID and a Karen?

One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.

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Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

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My wife says she's like a microwave.

She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .

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