but this is as close as I could get
Thứ Sáu, 5 tháng 6, 2020
Thứ Năm, 4 tháng 6, 2020
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.
Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”
The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”
So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!”
“Yup, and now turn it around.”
The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar.
A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!”
The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite”
So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.”
“Mmhm. Now turn it around”
The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!”
A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man.
The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!”
The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!”
So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart.
The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar.
“EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it... it tasted... it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!”
That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
"Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man?
"Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress."
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
"Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers."
Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?"
"Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!"
Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
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