What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

Read More

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

Read More

A d‌‌og s‌‌ees a‌‌ "‌‌Now h‌‌iring" p‌‌oster o‌‌utside o‌‌f a‌‌ c‌‌omputer s‌‌tore.

T‌‌he p‌‌oster r‌‌eads: "Must b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o t‌‌ype. M‌‌ust b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o p‌‌rogram. A‌‌nd m‌‌ust b‌‌e b‌‌ilingual. W‌‌e a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer."

The d‌‌og t‌‌akes t‌‌he p‌‌oster i‌‌n h‌‌is m‌‌outh, a‌‌nd w‌‌alks i‌‌n. T‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌pots t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd d‌‌ecides t‌‌o h‌‌umour i‌‌t, p‌‌ulling u‌‌p a‌‌ c‌‌hair a‌‌nd a‌‌ c‌‌omputer w‌‌ith a‌‌ w‌‌ord p‌‌rocessor. "‌‌Alright, i‌‌f y‌‌ou w‌‌ant t‌‌o w‌‌ork h‌‌ere, y‌‌ou n‌‌eed t‌‌o f‌‌irst w‌‌rite a‌‌ l‌‌etter," a‌‌nd l‌‌eaves t‌‌he r‌‌oom.

30 m‌‌inutes l‌‌ater, h‌‌e c‌‌omes b‌‌ack i‌‌n, a‌‌nd t‌‌he d‌‌og h‌‌as t‌‌yped o‌‌ut a‌‌ c‌‌ompletely e‌‌rror-free l‌‌etter.

"Well, I‌‌'ll b‌‌e. T‌‌his i‌‌s a‌‌ s‌‌mart d‌‌og. B‌‌ut c‌‌an h‌‌e p‌‌rogram?", h‌‌e a‌‌sks h‌‌imself.

20 m‌‌inutes p‌‌ass, a‌‌nd t‌‌he d‌‌og h‌‌as m‌‌ade a‌‌ p‌‌erfectly r‌‌unning w‌‌ebsite f‌‌or t‌‌he s‌‌tore.

He l‌‌ooks, s‌‌hocked, a‌‌t t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Look, I‌‌ k‌‌now y‌‌ou h‌‌ave t‌‌he q‌‌ualifications, b‌‌ut, w‌‌ell... y‌‌ou're a‌‌ d‌‌og."

The d‌‌og n‌‌udges t‌‌he w‌‌ords "‌‌We a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer" o‌‌n t‌‌he p‌‌oster, a‌‌nd t‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌ighs.

"There's n‌‌o w‌‌ay y‌‌ou're b‌‌ilingual."

The d‌‌og l‌‌ooks h‌‌im i‌‌n t‌‌he e‌‌yes, a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌Meow."

Read More

Yo mama so fat

Before she was buried the earth was flat

Read More

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

Read More

BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault

to Barack Obama’s Fault

Read More

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, Close The Door" Said The Priest "Jesus If Something ever happens please forgive my soul" Prayed The Nun

"Sister Lock it" Said The Priest "Jesus If Something Ever Happens Please Forgive My Soul" Prayed The Nun

"Sister Close The Window Curtains" Said The Priest "Jesus If Something ever happens please forgive my soul" Prayed The Nun

"Sister close the lights" The Priest Said "Jesus If Something Ever Happens Please Forgive My soul"

"Sister come here beside me" The Priest Said "Jesus Im sorry for what is about to happen please forgive my soul in heaven" prayed the Nun

"Sister Look at My Watch it glows in the dark"

Read More