A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on it's way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom t‌‌he b‌‌asement. W‌‌hen h‌‌e w‌‌ent d‌‌ownstairs, h‌‌e f‌‌ound h‌‌is d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he s‌‌ofa w‌‌ith h‌‌er v‌‌ibrator.

"What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", h‌‌e e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

A c‌‌ouple o‌‌f d‌‌ays l‌‌ater t‌‌he m‌‌other h‌‌eard t‌‌he h‌‌umming s‌‌ound a‌‌gain, t‌‌his t‌‌ime i‌‌n t‌‌he l‌‌iving r‌‌oom. I‌‌n t‌‌here, s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er h‌‌usband w‌‌atching t‌‌he S‌‌uper B‌‌owl o‌‌n t‌‌elevision w‌‌ith t‌‌he v‌‌ibrator b‌‌uzzing a‌‌way b‌‌eside h‌‌im.

"What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

"Watching t‌‌he g‌‌ame w‌‌ith m‌‌y s‌‌on-in-law", he r‌‌eplied.

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Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.

Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.

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What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

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As the prostitute finished her session, she said,

“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”

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Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

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