A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where another man has already opened the door. Both of them leap out of the plane together over the protests of the flight attendant, only to find that the clouds don't support their weight.

After some time falling, he turns to the other, terrified man, and says,"Well, we won't be able to visit our deceased relatives the way we would have liked, but at least we'll see them today, one way or another."

"That's not what bothers me," says the other man. "What bothers me is that we passed the ground a while ago and didn't stop!!"

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How tall is the world smallest grandmother?

One Nanameter.

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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships. They decide that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. A few days later they met.

The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long. The mistress said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours. The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said:

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

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I only believe in 12.5% of the bible

I guess that makes me an eightheist

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My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."

"Your problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"

"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?” The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.” The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?” “First, you have to drink this entire bottle of peppered vodka without making a face. Next, theres a pitbull out back with a sore tooth - pull the tooth without dying. Lastly, my grandmother is upstairs and hasn’t had release in forever - you have to bring her to orgasim. Then you’ve got your jar of money!” The man looked at the bar tender and said “No way in hell am I doing that!!” Suddenly, a drunk man comes stumbling over and grabes the bottle of peppered vodka. He downs the whole bottle. But despite tears pour from his eye, he keeps a straight face. He slams down the bottle and runs out back. You hear barking, followed by screaming, then whimpering and suddenly... silence.

After a moment the man bursts back in and shouts “Alright! Now wheres the old lady with the sore tooth??”

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