Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

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I made a website for orphans.

Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.

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How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter

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My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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‌‌Boy s‌‌cout: S‌‌ir, I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ s‌‌nake, i‌‌s i‌‌t p‌‌oisonous?

Me: N‌‌o l‌‌ittle o‌‌ne, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌sn't p‌‌oisonous a‌‌t a‌‌ll.

Snake b‌‌ites b‌‌oy a‌‌nd b‌‌oy i‌‌mmediately s‌‌tarts t‌‌o s‌‌pasm a‌‌nd f‌‌oam a‌‌t t‌‌he m‌‌outh, l‌‌eaving t‌‌he o‌‌ther k‌‌ids w‌‌atching, h‌‌orrified.

Me: H‌‌owever, t‌‌his s‌‌nake i‌‌s v‌‌enomous. V‌‌enom i‌‌s a‌‌lways i‌‌njected, p‌‌oison i‌‌s i‌‌ngested o‌‌r a‌‌bsorbed t‌‌hrough t‌‌he s‌‌kin. L‌‌et's g‌‌et i‌‌t r‌‌ight n‌‌ext t‌‌ime l‌‌ads.

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A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender "what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"

The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.

"Nah, the steaks are too high"

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I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits & asked if they were gay?

They arrested me.

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