A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried. Then the doctor really winds up and hits the baby hard on the bottom but still nothing happens. The mother is now crying and is frantic. The doctor then slams the baby onto the floor like a wrestler, then powerfully kicks the baby across the room, picks the baby up and throws it out of the window. The mother is hysterical and screaming when the doctor says to her, "April fools, your baby was dead already!".

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I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know y.

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What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by sinful behavior, spending time with prostitutes, abusing alcohol and drugs, an unclean body and mind, and disrespect for others."

“Damn,” replied the drunk before returning to his paper.

Thinking about what he said, the priest tapped the man on the shoulder and apologized for being too stern. Trying to be empathetic, he asked the man how long he has had arthritis.

The man answered, "I don't have it. I just read here that the Pope suffers from it."

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What do Sea Turtles and Lesbians have in common ?

They both choke on plastic.

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse. The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

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