I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

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I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

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OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

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Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

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Why did Jeffery Epstein’s baseball career never take off?

He never left the minors

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What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

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I said to my friend: "I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad..."

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"

I said "no, he also wished he was..."

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