I've decided that I sexually identify as a chocolate bar

From now on my pronouns are Her/She.

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Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman?

Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.

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The sex education teacher at my local high school got fired.

He was teaching the students about ejaculation and it went right over their heads.

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If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke

She would have 75 cents

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With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

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A girl walks into her apartment after being out all night partying. She says to her roommate "last night I slept with a Brazilian!"

The roommate replies "Oh my God you are such a slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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