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Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 7, 2020

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll have to be driving around in a 40 year old beat up pick up truck as a punishment. So you’re free to go.”

He moves on to the second guy : “You lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 10 times. Well, it isn’t too bad, so you can stay in heaven, but your ride will be a 20 year old Toyota, it’s not glamorous, but hey, shouldn’t have cheated.”

Finally he starts talking to the third guy : “Holy crap, you lived a good life and never cheated on your wife. Well, my friend, you deserve this brand new Ferrari! Go on, enjoy heaven!”

A month passes, and the 3 guys meet up- The first 2 guys are really enjoying heaven, despite the fact that they’re driving crappy cars, but the 3rd guy is really sad. So they ask him : “You’re in Heaven, driving a Ferrari, would could you possibly be sad about? “

“Well, on my way here I saw my wife on roller skates”

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying?

Mid Life crisis

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records once

but then they threw me out of the library.

Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 7, 2020

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head”

Then Brick goes and asks: “CjfbjabMandmabwlbdkabNbskdbslonvibcdhovtcbxtblvocbjfshkvgdvynv?”