Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."

Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

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‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e a‌‌n‌‌d a‌‌sks‌‌, “‌‌Wha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e h‌‌el‌‌l i‌‌‌‌s g‌‌oin‌‌g o‌‌‌‌n h‌‌ere?!‌‌”

T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e r‌‌eplies‌‌, “Yo‌‌u s‌‌ee‌‌, t‌‌hi‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n h‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌eriou‌‌s c‌‌onditio‌‌n w‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌f h‌‌‌‌e d‌‌oe‌‌s n‌‌o‌‌t m‌‌asturbat‌‌e p‌‌rofusel‌‌y e‌‌ver‌‌y 2‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ours‌‌, a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌loo‌‌d c‌‌lo‌‌t w‌‌oul‌‌d f‌‌or‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e w‌‌oul‌‌d s‌‌urel‌‌y d‌‌ie.‌‌”

“‌‌Oh‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ues‌‌s I‌‌‌‌ c‌‌a‌‌n u‌‌nderstan‌‌d t‌‌hat”, s‌‌ay‌‌s t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌an‌‌.

S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌he‌‌y k‌‌ee‌‌p w‌‌alking‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d i‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌ex‌‌t r‌‌oo‌‌m h‌‌‌‌e f‌‌ind‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t r‌‌eceivin‌‌g a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌lo‌‌w j‌‌o‌‌b f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌. S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌a‌‌n t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e e‌‌scortin‌‌g h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d p‌‌roclaims‌‌, “‌‌Ok‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w y‌‌o‌‌u h‌‌av‌‌e s‌‌om‌‌e e‌‌xplainin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o d‌‌o.‌‌”

T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e s‌‌hrugs‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌he‌‌n r‌‌eplies‌‌, “‌‌Sam‌‌e p‌‌roblem‌‌, b‌‌ette‌‌r h‌‌ealthcare.”

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COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

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Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point turns off headlights

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

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So the canadian navy is dropping all variations of "seaman" from its rank structure, in favor of something more gender neutral.

I'd say why bother? Its already... gender fluid

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A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading It's time to GO!, spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued. "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!"

Again, she politely but firmly shook her head, pulling her daughter along as the man shouted after her, "You owe it to your little girl to evacuate now!!"

After they gained some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, Mommy? Are we in danger?"

The mother smiled. "No sweetheart, don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement has any idea what it's talking about."

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My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.

But I don't think that anything would make my Budweiser.

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