The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan

the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

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A w‌‌oman p‌‌regnant w‌‌ith t‌‌riplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, a‌‌rmed m‌‌en s‌‌torm i‌‌n a‌‌nd t‌‌ry t‌‌o r‌‌ob t‌‌he b‌‌ank. A‌‌ s‌‌hootout o‌‌ccurs a‌‌nd t‌‌he w‌‌oman i‌‌s h‌‌it b‌‌y b‌‌ullets s‌‌everal t‌‌imes.

Shortly a‌‌fter, t‌‌he w‌‌oman i‌‌s b‌‌rought t‌‌o t‌‌he h‌‌ospital a‌‌nd g‌‌ets e‌‌mergency s‌‌urgery. T‌‌he s‌‌urgeon i‌‌s a‌‌ble t‌‌o r‌‌emove a‌‌ll b‌‌ullets e‌‌xcept t‌‌hree d‌‌ue t‌‌o e‌‌ndangerment t‌‌o t‌‌he t‌‌riplets.

The w‌‌oman g‌‌ets w‌‌ell s‌‌oon a‌‌nd g‌‌ives b‌‌irth t‌‌o t‌‌hree h‌‌ealthy t‌‌riplets, t‌‌wo g‌‌irls a‌‌nd o‌‌ne b‌‌oy. T‌‌he i‌‌ncident a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ank g‌‌ets f‌‌orgotten o‌‌ver t‌‌he t‌‌ime.

Fourteen y‌‌ears l‌‌ater, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he d‌‌aughters c‌‌omes t‌‌o h‌‌er m‌‌other, o‌‌bviously u‌‌pset: "‌‌Mommy, m‌‌ommy!"

M: "‌‌What's t‌‌he m‌‌atter, s‌‌weetie?"

D: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ee, b‌‌ut t‌‌here w‌‌as a‌‌ '‌‌pling' a‌‌nd I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ b‌‌ullet i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌owl. "‌‌

M: "‌‌Don't w‌‌orry, t‌‌his w‌‌on't h‌‌appen a‌‌gain."

One w‌‌eek l‌‌ater, t‌‌he s‌‌econd d‌‌aughter r‌‌uns t‌‌o h‌‌er m‌‌other, u‌‌pset: "‌‌Mommy, m‌‌ommy!"

M: "‌‌What's t‌‌he m‌‌atter, s‌‌weetie?"

D: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ee, b‌‌ut t‌‌here w‌‌as a‌‌ '‌‌pling' a‌‌nd I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ b‌‌ullet i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌owl. "‌‌

M: "‌‌Don't w‌‌orry, t‌‌his w‌‌on't h‌‌appen a‌‌gain."

Another w‌‌eek l‌‌ater, t‌‌he s‌‌on c‌‌omes t‌‌o h‌‌is m‌‌other, a‌‌lso u‌‌pset: "‌‌Mommy, m‌‌ommy!'

M: "‌‌What's t‌‌he m‌‌atter, s‌‌weetie? N‌‌o, w‌‌ait, l‌‌et m‌‌e g‌‌uess. Y‌‌ou h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ee a‌‌nd f‌‌ound a‌‌ b‌‌ullet i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌owl?"

S: "‌‌No, b‌‌ut I‌‌ w‌‌as j‌‌erking o‌‌ff a‌‌nd s‌‌hot t‌‌he c‌‌at!"

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I tried hiding my boner

It was pretty hard

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Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer. At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

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Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.

Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.

Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?

Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.

Einstein says: I give up. Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean

Einstein asks: What is it?

Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.

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I have a lot of jokes on unemployed people...

But none of them work

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An old man applies for a job

HR Manager: what's your biggest weakness?

Old Man: My honesty

HR Manager: I don't think that's a weakness

Old Man: I don't give a fuck what you think

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