We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 7, 2020
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.” So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.” “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”
A young naive couple get married NSFW
After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.
‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.
His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.
A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical
‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”
That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.
“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”
That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it- send me another one.”
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
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