That way, when I’ve finished, I can turn around and see how far I’ve come.
Thứ Năm, 13 tháng 8, 2020
A politician visited a village in India..
A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 3: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.
A guy sits next to me at the bar.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig
"Well, whatcha's gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life' I say ' I am a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife sleeping with my best friend and my dog bit me"
" So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! but enough about me, how's your day going?"
I was 18 or so and went out to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy...
... There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was inexperienced. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to put it on. I said, ‘No, this is my first time.’ Next thing I knew, she opened the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She warned me to make sure it was secure and to leave excess rubber on the tip.
She noticed that I was still confused so she checked the store to see if there was no one around. The coast was clear.'Just a minute', she said while walking towards the door to lock it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’, she asked. Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and threw them on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ I climbed on her and it was so wonderful; but unfortunately, I was unable hold it back and next thing I knew: KAPOWWWWW. I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card. On the card were the letters “C Z W I X N O S T A C Z”.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish man replied, “I know the guy.”
A new monk arrives at the monastery ...
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"You fuckers", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!"
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