My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

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Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

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What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

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What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

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Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."

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A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

Tell me what happened son

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

So you got a little too excited and cursed?

No, that's not all of it. Right after the ball stopped, a squirrel ran out, grabbed my ball and bolted back for the trees.

Ah, I see. So you got angry at the squirrel

No, there's more. Before the squirrel could get to the trees, a huge hawk swooped down, picked up the squirrel and flew off with it.

Ok, that has to be it right? You got angry at the hawk?

Nope... right as the hawk got over the green, the squirrel shook itself loose. When it hit the ground, it dropped the ball which rolled across the green and stopped 10 inches from the cup.

You missed the god damn putt didn't you?

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