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Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 8, 2020

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?" Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair" Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that" Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the chemist's wife. "Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."

He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."

"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."

To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."

"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."

The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"

"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."

The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."

Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"*

My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.