Husband and wife agreed that whenever they talked about having sex in front of kids they will use a word "type"

One day when everybody was at the table, husband asks: "hey wife, do you want to type today?", wife replies: "im out of 'red' ink". Few days later, man asks the youngest: "go ask your mum if she wanted to type and if she has the red ink now". Youngest returns: "mum says, she still out of red and she couldnt today". Few days later mum says to the youngest: "go tell your dad that i now have the red and today we could type". Youngest runs to the dad and tells him what she said and the guy replies: "too late, i've already written it by hand"

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Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch (Long)

Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

The next day, Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch. This time the Grandpa is drinking a beer. The grandson asks “Can I have a sip of your beer?”

Grandpa replies “Does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandson “No.”

“Then you can’t have a sip!”

The third day, both are on the porch again. This time the grandson is eating an ice cream cone. The grandpa asks “Oh can I have a lick of your ice cream?”

The grandson replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandpa proudly affirms “Why yes! Yes it does!”

Grandson: “Then go and fuck yourself!”

The end.

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Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

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My girlfriend says if I get 1000 upvotes we can try anal. Please don't upvote guys..

... sexual experiences should come from a curiosity or desire to try something new and exciting and being peer pressured into a sexual act can cause trauma that can take years to heal.

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Also her strap-on is enormous.

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A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.

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My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it’s great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?”

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