One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.
Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 8, 2020
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish
Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country
If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.
This is not a political post. I just want to travel.
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me.
A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.
She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's left foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest. She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
"Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated--"
"AH! You're Mary's daughter?" the man says, blocking the door slightly. "Yes, yes, she was a magnificent woman!"
"Yeah, well, in her dying wishes, it was noted that you requested photos of her left foot," she says, pulling out a photo packet. "These are the correct pictures. We sent you reversed photos of her right."
"Oh, excellent!" the man says, carefully taking the pictures. "Thank you so, so much. She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory--"
The woman puts her hand up. "What's that sound...?"
Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room. There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother's left foot...and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?!"
"Look," he says. "I think we got off on the wrong foot here."
A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.
"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"
"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."
"This is gonna be great, Bob!" gushes Larry the cucumber.
The bartender serves drinks to the two of them, and sure enough, they both turn human!
"Look at me, Bob!" exclaims Larry the ex-cucumber. "I'm human!"
"That's very nice, Larry," says Bob the ex-tomato, "but do be careful!"
Larry happily prances out the door. He is so excited about being human, he forgets to look both ways before crossing the street, and he is hit by a car and turned back into a cucumber.
Bob rushes outside to save his friend, but he too forgets to look both ways, is hit by a car, and turns back into a tomato.
The bartender rushes outside and calls an ambulance.
"Are they still alive?" asks the dispatcher.
"They are," says the bartender, "but I'm worried that they will be vegetables for the rest of there lives."
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