He lies still.
Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 8, 2020
The prostitutes operation...
An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery
He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated room. He tried open the door, but it wouldn't budge. He tried to peer through the keyhole, but couldn't see anything either. Disappointed, he went back to bed.
The next morning, he asked the abbot what the sound was. The abbot said: "I would love to tell you what it is, but you'd have to become a monk first. It's a long and arduous process, so you have to be really dedicated." The man declined, and went on his way. Yet, the curiosity stayed with him. He traveled the world, and nowhere did he find anything as mesmerizing as the sound. Each night in his sleep he could hear the sound again. At long last, he decided to return to the monastery and become a monk.
"To become a monk," said the abbot, "you have to finish three tasks, each one of which will test one of your qualities. The first one is patience. You have to sit in the garden and wait until the Brown Flutterer lands on your head. But beware! The Brown Flutterer is the shyest of all butterflies."
So the man went into the garden and sat there for days on end. He braved hunger and cold, heat and illness. He sat there unmovingly, not even blinking, waiting for the Brown Flutterer. The only reason he stayed sane was by focusing on his goal: uncovering the source of the magical sound that had nested in his brain. A few times, the Brown Flutterer entered the garden, but even the slightest hint of excitement would scare it off again. Then finally, after a few months, only when the man had complete mastery of his body and mind, did the Brown Flutterer land on his head. He returned to the abbot and reported it to him.
The abbot said: "Great, you are now ready for the next test. This one will test your perserverance. You will have to go to The Island at the End of the World and find the Golden Orb." So the man set out to find the Golden Orb. First, he traveled to New Zealand. From there on out, he took a boat to a barely known island in the Pacific. Then he rented a small sloop and went looking for The Island at the End of the World. It was only a few weeks before he found it. While there, he systematically searched the island. He inched his way through the Impassible Ravine, he dogded horrible wild beasts in the Jungle of Terror and he felt his way through the pitch black of the Dark Caves until finally, somewhere on Mount Snow, he found the gold orb. He retraced his steps and went back to the monastery.
"Incredible," said the abbot, "and now you can begin with the third and last test. This one will test your balance. You must cross the Gorge Without Bottom blindfolded, on a rope and one-legged." The man immediately started training. He stood on one leg for days on end, he walked on a rope for miles and he walked around blindfolded until he was able to find his way without problem. Then he combined these skills: he hopped around blindfolded, he crossed every rope on one leg and he felt his way across any rope without seeing. Then, when he finally mastered the skills, he crossed the rope over the Gorge Without Bottom.
He went back to the monastery and told the abbot. The abbot cheered and said: "You are the first person in twenty years to complete the three tasks. At last, you are ready to see the source of the sound. Come with me." They went to the basement and there the abbot took out a stained golden key, hanging by a chord from his neck. He put it in the lock, and the doors swung open, and there it was: the source of the sound.
I would love to tell you what it is, but you'd have to become a monk first.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish
Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country
If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.
This is not a political post. I just want to travel.
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