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Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 8, 2020

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put these silly notions out of his head.

The son doesn't give up though, every meal he begs his parents: "What about a cucumber?" "How about a little lima bean?"

Eventually the parents get sick of it and relent a little bit. His father tells him: "Fine! You can have a couple of peas with you dinner. BUT you have to eat all your roadkill first."

The young vulture pleads "But daaaaddd"

The father says: "NO! - Carrion my wayward son, there'll be peas when you are done."

Then he plays a sick keyboard solo.

A crusty old man walks into a bank

& says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that woman does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank." "Oh...I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time sir...?"

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says: - Yo, gimme something new, something strong! - Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark". - Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead. - Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at home and tells his dad: - Eyy, pops! I'm going out to the balcony for some fresh air.

His dad approved, he gets at the balcony, prepares a joint with the product, and starts smoking.

  • Maaaan, this is really some good shit! and suddenly, he sees light, dark. Light, dark. Light, dark.

The next day he goes to the dealer and says: - Yo, dude, you were right! This really is some good stuff, gimme some more! - Told you man! Here you go. Our pothead arrives at home and tells his dad: - Eyy, pops! I'm going out to the balcony for some fresh air. - Are you going to be staying there for 3 days again, son?

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask