A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up, “Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman to your right is a blonde alligator wrestler. I am a blonde professional wrestler. The woman next to me is a blonde cop. Are you sure you still want to say that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a bit, but then he responds,

“Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it four fucking times!”

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When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin!

For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages....

Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

That dead idiot had a twin brother.

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To the person who hacked into my account,

I will find you.

Edit: no you won’t

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What’s the difference between a bullet and a police officer.

When a bullet kills someone, you know it’s been fired.

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What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?

A teapot.

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Two straight couples and a gay couple are having a party on a boat, when the boat sinks and they all drown.

Two straight couples and a gay couple are having a party on a boat, when the boat sinks and they all drown. They all arrive at heaven’s gates together, and line up in front of St. Peter. The first straight couple approaches and asks, “Can we get into heaven?” St. Peter checks his book, and grimly replies: “No. You loved money so much, that you married a woman named Penny.” With that, he banishes them to hell. The second straight couple goes next, with the same question... “can we get into heaven?” Once again, St. Peter shakes his head: “No. You loved sweets so much, that you married a woman named Candy.” Again, he banishes them to hell. At this point one of the gay men nervously turns to his partner and whispers: “I gotta say.. this doesn’t look good, Dick.”

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us."

The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit. There is nothing waiting for us after death, only the void and nothingness. That's why I try to live my life to the fullest."

The two of them ask the monk, who had been silent up to that point, what he believed. The monk started, "Well, I certainly won't be seeing the afterlife anytime soon. I have lived a bad life, however, I am trying to earn enough good karma to reincarnate into a better life. If I earn enough good karma, then maybe I can eventually go to the afterlife."

"Well how are you supposed to do that?" asked the atheist.

Just then, the group is interrupted by the waitress with their meals. For the priest, there is a meal of bread and wine. For the atheist, a hearty plate of ribs sits in front of him. For the monk, there is nothing but a slice of cake on his plate.

In response to two puzzled looks, the monk quickly says, "There's no easier way to earn karma than to have a cake day."

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