In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 8, 2020
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...
...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and hands the man an apple.
“What’s this? I asked for a Jack and Coke?”
The bartender just smirks and says, “take a bite.”
The man reluctantly takes a bite of the apple. His eyes widen and says, “Oh my God, this tastes like Jack!”
The bartender then says, “turn it around”.
The man takes a bite of the other side of the apple and says “Oh my God, this tastes like Coke!”
A second man sitting across the bar watches this whole exchange and jokes to the bartender, “Hey bartender! Get me some pussy!”
The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and hands the second man an apple.
The second man confused, takes the apple and looks at the bartender who smirks and says, “take a bite”.
The second man reluctantly takes a bite of the apple, spits it out and says, “Oh my God! This tastes like shit!”
The bartender smirks and says “turn it around.”
A magician was working on a cruise ship.
A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
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