A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. 

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. 

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

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Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

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Because when he asked them their favorite composer, they said Bach Bach bach

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I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

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My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

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"1"

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"2"

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"3"

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"4"

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"5"

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At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and hands the man an apple.

“What’s this? I asked for a Jack and Coke?”

The bartender just smirks and says, “take a bite.”

The man reluctantly takes a bite of the apple. His eyes widen and says, “Oh my God, this tastes like Jack!”

The bartender then says, “turn it around”.

The man takes a bite of the other side of the apple and says “Oh my God, this tastes like Coke!”

A second man sitting across the bar watches this whole exchange and jokes to the bartender, “Hey bartender! Get me some pussy!”

The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and hands the second man an apple.

The second man confused, takes the apple and looks at the bartender who smirks and says, “take a bite”.

The second man reluctantly takes a bite of the apple, spits it out and says, “Oh my God! This tastes like shit!”

The bartender smirks and says “turn it around.”

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