A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?” Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face. His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only...

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A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden "Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?" "Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!" The woman, somewhat embarrassed, told the man that her tomatoes weren't doing very well so she would try it. A few weeks later, the man sees the woman walking down the street. "Excuse me, miss" he said, "Did you try my technique?" "I did" she replied "Well, how did...

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An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?". "My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied. "And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sked. "I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ve d‌‌one a‌‌ p‌‌retty g‌‌ood j‌‌ob"...

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Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are? Me: "screams" Therapist: Oh I see Me: "continues to scream"...

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Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump ...

But that's comparing apples to oranges....

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I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them....

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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name....

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