I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat." Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused. He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for the past ten years, so move it". Still refusing, the guy walked right up to me, passed me two sticks and said, "Well you play the fucking drums then."...

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You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau....

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What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me....

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Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up. "Hi!" She says with a chipper smile. "I'm Christine! What are you looking for?" Steve is awestruck. To him, this woman is more beautiful and smells livelier than any flower in the store- she has flowing red hair, piercing green eyes, and of course she has her own business and also...

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Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am." "Good morning." She replies. "That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk. "Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile. "Excellent trade, Ma'am."...

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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces......

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A cheese factory exploded in France today.

Da Brie is everywhere....

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