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Thứ Sáu, 4 tháng 9, 2020

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

My wife left me because I’m insecure.

No wait she’s back. She just went to get coffee.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Betty. We're getting spaghetti. Is she ready?"

"I don't see any harm in this guy," thought the farmer. So off went Teddy and Betty to get spaghetti.

Just then, another knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Joe," said the boy. "I want you to know that I'm taking Flo to the show. Can we go? Yes or no?"

"I don't see any harm in this guy," thought the farmer. So off went Joe and Flo to the show.

Just then, a third knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Nate," said the boy. "I hope I'm not late for my date with Kate. We're going to skate, which I think will be great."

"I don't see any harm in this guy," thought the farmer. So off went Nate and Kate to skate.

Just then, a fourth knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Lance," said the boy. "I'm taking Nance to the high school dance, which is themed like Paris, France. Is she ready for our romance, by chance?"

"I don't see any harm in this guy," thought the farmer. So off went Lance and Nance to the dance.

Just then, a fifth knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Chuck," said the boy.

Then he died.

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there" and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later "You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"

5 mins later "Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"

At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells

"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"