A college professor started to notice that Dave, one of his students, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Dave, is that you?".

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My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

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Her best feature.... NSFW

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

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I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

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What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^{btw I waited 1 whole year to repost this joke}

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