One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.

"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."

After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word splork were interchangeable with the word wish. Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word wish as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word. Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks."

The genie sighs and says, "This is why nobody likes lawyers."

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Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

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I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

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What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

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a gun is like a pack of gum.

when you pull it out at school everyone acts like they have been your best friend since kindergarten

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