A married couple were in a terrible accident...

The woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Sex on a plane

A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a napkin, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.

So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass

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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

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A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.

Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.

Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee. "I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"

Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by today!"

"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.

"Yes sir, but-"

“And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.

"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-"

“Then tell me" he shrieks, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already!? Is it because I stink of sweat? Because I'm unprepared and underdressed? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"

"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"

"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realises his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"

His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly leaves the same way he came in.

He then flips over right-side up, goes back in, and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.

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A woodcutter was in a magical forest chopping wood.

He was chopping a tree down when he heard it crying out

“Dont chop me! I am a talking tree!”

The woodcutter replied.

“Then you shall dialogue”

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. The guy was shocked, but he didn’t want to continue the the torture, so he agreed.

After the procedure, the pain suddenly went away. He was relieved that the headache was finally gone, but still felt terrible, because he didn’t feel like a man anymore.

In order to cheer himself up, he went to an expensive store to get himself a tailored suit. The taylor, who spent 50 years working there was a real pro and said that he doesn’t need to take measurements, he can just correctly guess every size.

At first the guy didn’t believe but the taylor gave him a pair of pants that fit just perfectly. Then the taylor gave him a dress shirt, that fit exactly right, without any measurements. Then the taylor gave him a jacket, that also fit perfectly, the guy was amazed.

The taylor said : “Let’s also get you some silk underwear, it is very nice. From looking at you , I can tell you wear large. ” The guy suddenly says: “Nope! You’re finally wrong. I wear small, looks like even you aren’t perfect” The taylor: “Sir, I’ve been a taylor for 50 years, your underwear size is definitely large. If you were wearing small, it would squeeze your balls so tight that you would suffer from constant headaches”

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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

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