My mom asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I have no clue why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand....

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Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence...

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Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst....

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I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it.

Tonight I'm going to have a fig!...

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Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith....

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6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day...

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A professional assassin charged $1000 a bullet....

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head,...

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