A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "Is he sick?"

"No", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

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My girlfriend is a porn star. –

She will kill me if she finds out.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could taste Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock,

And a mouthful of cock,

'Cause Jill's real name is Randy.

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At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out or she would call the cops

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Armand.

"Armand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Armand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction of the third man and screams:

"Mick! Why are you running?"

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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

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