An artist's wife starts having sex with him daily.

While a bit unusual, he didn't question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.

"Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What would you like me to draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.

"What the hell is this?" she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no visible wounds.

"I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!" she repeated.

"And I got a vasectomy five years ago," he said. "So I drew a blank."

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Is Google male or Female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion

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[nsfw] A monkey is walking through the jungle when he spies a sleeping lion...

The monkey says, "King of the jungle, eh? I bet I could fuck that lion right up the ass. That'd make ME king of the jungle!" So he lifts up the lion's tail and starts going to town.

The lion wakes up and roars, "WHAT THE HELL???" and starts chasing the monkey through the jungle. After about 20 minutes they come to a big clearing where there's a hotel. The monkey runs into the lobby, jumps into a big chair, grabs a newspaper and hides behind it like he's reading it. The lion comes bombing into the lobby and yells, "Did anybody see a MONKEY come through here???"

From behind the newspaper the monkey says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion looks over and says, "HOLY SHIT, it's in the PAPER already???"

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A guy is at a urinal in a bar.

A guy is at a urinal in a bar. In walks a midget and uses the next one over. The guy, never having seen a midget this close, leans over and sneaks a peak. He sees a massive endowment. He looks at the midget and says, "I mean no disrespect but I snuck a peak and you are very well endowed. How is it such a short person has such a large member?" The midget replies"I'm a leprechaun and wished it upon myself." The man asks if he could get that for himself. The leprechaun replies, "Yes, only thing is I'll have to rail you from behind for it to work." The guy thinks about it and says,"there are worse things out there to do, so okay." So the guy gets on his hands and knees. The leprechaun is going at it for a while then asks, "what's your name?" "Bobby" replies the guy. Leprechaun asks, "what's your age?". "28" replies bobby. Leprechaun then says, "well bobby, aren't you a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly. "Paint…my….house."

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Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

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