A cowboy appears before St. Peter...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

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A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The director then calls up three patients for a demonstration. He asks the first one, “what’s is 6 times 6?”

The patient is shaking and nervously says “1000?”

The director shakes his head “no, give this one six more months,” then turns to the next patient.

This one jumps up and down and screams “February!”

“Oh god no!” Says the director. “Another year for this one!”

Finally, he turns to the third patient who looks at him calmly and says “well, the answer is obviously 36.”

“Yes!” Exclaims the director. “How did you know that?!”

“Easy, I just divided 1000 by February.”

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I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

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Why is it so hard to look up an orphanage on the internet?

There’s no homepage.

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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.

It's the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: "Wow, wholemeal loaf day!". And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you're telling a story about a bakery.

On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words "Danish Pastry day" on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of "Doughnut day! Yes!!!" heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.

But on Friday:

"I don't understand it," says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. "It's his cake day and he's made barely any effort at all."

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