I asked, "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said, "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 9, 2020
Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 9, 2020
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
Diabetes.
Did you really expect me to make a pie joke on my cake day? No, you get diabetes. All of them at the same time.
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...
He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it was his crooked accountant.
"Benny", he ordered one of his henchmen, "Get that cunt down 'ere, pronto - and get Marty to come with him. He understands sign language".
Later in his office, the boss started interrogating him.
"Marty, ask him what he's done with the money."
At first the terrified accountant signalled his ignorance of the theft but when a gun was put to his head, he spilled the beans. With rapid hand movements, he explained that he'd hidden all the money in a trunk in an old derelict factory, two miles from the office.
"So what did he say?" demanded the boss, impatiently.
"It's no good, boss," replied Marty. "He says you haven't got the bottle to shoot him, so you can go and get fucked".
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