Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says: "What the fuck do you want dickhead?"

"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face... Ryanair!

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again.

By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive." "Minds and Behinds." "Lost Souls and Assholes." "Analysis and Anal Cysts." "Queers and Rears." "Nuts and Butts." "Freaks and Cheeks." "Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

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Motorcycle accident

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place and after treating my wounds I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly, stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my motorbike"

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

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A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

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