And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"
And i said "No that's Buoyancy"
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 10, 2020
Steve, a homosexual athlete goes to a job interview as an instructor at a newly opened gym.
Upon his arrival he can't help but notice the 'fitness course for Straight man only' sign out the door.
Confused and feeling offended he goes inside to ask for the manager. He comes out and says:
'Let me give you a tour of our gym and show you the idea how it works, then you will understand.'
The manager first takes Steve to a big playground where he points to a beautiful young lady and says:
'She is our basic level course instructor.'
A bell rings and the lady speaks to her trainees:
'Now I will start to run, if anyone can catch me you can have sex with me!'
Everyone in the playground stars to run like crazy and hoping to get a hold of the fine lady in front of them. But the lady runs really fast and no one succeeds before every one is exhausted.
And then the manager takes Steve to another playground where he finds an even more attractive young lady. The manager points to her and says:
''She is our advanced level course instructor.'
A bell rings and just like the former one, the lady speaks to her trainees:
'Now I will start to run, if anyone can catch me you can have sex with me!'
Although members of this course seem more in shape than the last one and run much faster, all of them fail to catch the instructor before they all run out of breath.
'Wow, I'm impressed!' Steve turns to the manager with a compliment,
'This is actually quite a brilliant idea! But I don't understand what is my job here?'
'You will be the instructor of my maximum level course!' replies the manager, 'and your line is here on this note.'
Steve opens the note and it reads:
'Now you will start to run, if I can catch anyone I will have sex with you!'
A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.
A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"
The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our hero days."
The Russian customs officer was a bit shamed and let him go without further inspection.
At Tel Aviv airport, the customs officer also asks our friend, "What is this?"
He replies, "What is this? Wrong question Sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, a bastard that made me, as a Jew leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize Sir, you can go on."
In Israel, when he arrives at his new house, he puts the statue on a table.
To celebrate his immigration, he invite his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asks him, "Who is this?"
He replies, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without customs and tax."
Two Assholes
“Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with two assholes!'
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...
As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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