As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 10, 2020
A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...
My wife and I are a perfect match.
For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.
Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.
Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"
Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."
Inmate : "I'm listening..."
Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sneak it to you. Then you tie the rope into one of those lassos you know how to make. Next time we're in the yard, we find something the rope can catch on over the fence, we toss the lasso, pull it tight, then climb to freedom!"
Inmate: "What the Hell are you talking about?"
Friend: "You know, kinda like a grappling hook."
Inmate: "No, I mean, that's really your fucking plan?!"
Friend: "Yeah, dude. I shit, you knot."
(I saw this punchline in another joke before, but I tried to think of a different setup)
One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole. "SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk. They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. "Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.
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