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Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 10, 2020

Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in rage; “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, For one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out and shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.” “My false teeth are killing me.” “Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do...” “Give me a day or two.” With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.” Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.” “Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.” Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.” Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!” Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us."

The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit. There is nothing waiting for us after death, only the void and nothingness. That's why I try to live my life to the fullest."

The two of them ask the monk, who had been silent up to that point, what he believed. The monk started, "Well, I certainly won't be seeing the afterlife anytime soon. I have lived a bad life, however, I am trying to earn enough good karma to reincarnate into a better life. If I earn enough good karma, then maybe I can eventually go to the afterlife."

"Well how are you supposed to do that?" asked the atheist.

Just then, the group is interrupted by the waitress with their meals. For the priest, there is a meal of bread and wine. For the atheist, a hearty plate of ribs sits in front of him. For the monk, there is nothing but a slice of cake on his plate.

In response to two puzzled looks, the monk quickly says, "There's no easier way to earn karma than to have a cake day."

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said batting her eyelashes,

“My name is Puddles.”

I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

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