Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in rage; “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, For one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly;...

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Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.” “My false teeth are killing me.” “Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do...” “Give me a day or two.” With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.” Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later...

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes....

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant. After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife. The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us." The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit....

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3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck. “Huey,” was the reply. “How’s your day been Huey?” “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey “Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?” “Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two. “So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked. “Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?” The bartender turned to the...

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards....

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r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 17k members! Come see reposts in real time! https://discord.gg/jokes...

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